Hello! Welcome to the Quivering Daughters website. Please note that this site is no longer being updated but I hope you find the archives helpful. God bless you.

How Healing Starts to Happen

“not once,” i whisper. “not once did you or mum come into my room, sit on my bed and say sorry. not once did you ask me how i was doing; why i was hurting myself, and what you could do to help.”

Click here to continue reading How Healing Starts to Happen, written by my dear friend, Emily Wierenga. Honestly, I’m at a loss for words to sufficiently introduce this article. Parents of aching children and the aching children of parents can both find healing here. All I can say is … please read her words. You will be glad you did.


8 comments:

  1. Thank you for that — it was relevant to many situations — the kind of truth that feels like a layer of pain being peeled away

    ReplyDelete

  2. The story is awesome, but focuses too much on getting an apology. Sometimes you just aren't going to get one. You can't make someone else realize they did something wrong, and you can't make them apologize. It's not like you can just have a talk and it's all great from then on.

    ReplyDelete

  3. Sorry, had to tend to the kids…

    We cannot live our lives refusing to be healed if we don't get an apology, because in a lot of cases you just aren't going to get one. I tried talking to my parents once and won't bring it up again because they refuse to admit that they did anything wrong. I have to just move on anyway and realize that that is their issue, not mine.

    They have tried to drag up things where I said stuff about what they did to me to others and get me to apologize because they think I should not talk about stuff with others. They always told us that. They wanted us to hurt and not be able to express that hurt to anyone.

    I still can't talk about anything really online, as there are people out there who read it, take it back to my parents, and the cycle starts again. I don't even know who is doing it, but I know that at least one someone, probably more, are.

    I just have to accept that this is the way it is, and do my best to have a decent relationship with them anyway. It's not a close relationship, but I can talk with them about things, not deep life issues or anything, but everyday stuff, without feeling anger or hurt towards them.

    They may never realize or admit what they have done wrong, and I can't wait for them to do so.

    ReplyDelete

  4. Katie-Anne,

    I think it's very true that sometimes you won't get apologies. However, I also think it's impossible to have an authentic relationship with someone who has done you wrong but refuses to acknowledge your pain. So even though a person can resign herself to pleasant superficialities (raising my hand here), it doesn't mean that deep down she finds it satisfactory.

    To me, the value of an apology is not in getting a chest-beating, what-a-terrible-sinner-am-I confession from another (although this is more or less what I grew up with), but in the relationship that can only develop in an environment that affirms the other person's experience (something quivering daughters rarely get from their families).

    My best to Emily!

    ReplyDelete

  5. I don't know that it helps us any to wait for an apology from anyone. I believe that if we are waiting on an apology in order to start healing that we are simply refusing to start the healing process. Some people either don't think they did anything wrong, or they think it wasn't good but not as bad as you think it was, or they just won't admit what they did was wrong and horrible, or, they are in the camp that even if it was wrong and horrible that you should just get over it.

    People in my life fall mostly into the "we didn't do anything wrong, but even if we did and you think it's that wrong and horrible, you should just get over it".

    I cannot sit around expecting an apology, as I have tried to talk about these issues anyway. It is my responsibility to heal regardless of whether I ever get an apology or not. I choose my own actions, I cannot choose the actions of others.

    ReplyDelete

  6. Katie-Anne,

    I think it's very true that sometimes you won't get apologies. However, I also think it's impossible to have an authentic relationship with someone who has done you wrong but refuses to acknowledge your pain. So even though a person can resign herself to pleasant superficialities (raising my hand here), it doesn't mean that deep down she finds it satisfactory.

    To me, the value of an apology is not in getting a chest-beating, what-a-terrible-sinner-am-I confession from another (although this is more or less what I grew up with), but in the relationship that can only develop in an environment that affirms the other person's experience (something quivering daughters rarely get from their families).

    My best to Emily!

    ReplyDelete

  7. Yes, relationships will be superficial etc, however, my main point is that we are responsible for our own actions and need to be determined to fight for healing whether we receive apologies or not, because some of us are just never going to get them, and we have to accept that. 🙂

    ReplyDelete

  8. thank you. that's all.. you have no no no idea how much I needed that.

    ReplyDelete

Comments are turned off.

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.